"What can you do with an English major?"  Usually passed off in a snide way, some often flippant answers include "Nothing," or "Frame it," or "Starve," or even "Marry her." What Peter G. Beidler sought to find out though, was what former students at his school were doing with their English majors.  He wrote out a survey, and submitted it to former students.  The replies he received amazed him.  Apparently, English majors can do lots of things!  The number crunching of his survey revealed the following percentage breakdown:

 15%  teaching
 14%  publishing, radio, theater, writing, librarianship
 13%  lawyers (this, despite Shakespeare's injunction: "Let's kill all the lawyers!")
  9%  service--government, health, social work, pastoral work
  9%  other--soldiers, home-makers, self-employed
  7%  graduate or professional school
 33%  business and industry--finance, banking, insurance, management, computing, public relations, engineering

Beidler, as you might expect of one who teaches English, asked for written comments as well.  In one question he asked graduates to describe the "real world."  A few replies:

"The business world will bring you depression, frustration, ulcers, complexes, confusion, distrust, and possible impotence"--Import analyst, pharmaceutical company.

"It's a [tough time].  Altogether, I'd rather be an English major again.  If you think reading Milton is boring, try a corporate financial statement sometime."--Marketing manager, credit corporation

95% of Beidler's respondents said "that having majored in English helped them to do the job once they landed it."  Here are a few reasons why.

"English majors are trained to apply analytical skills to real problems, rather than the made to solve ones in math, engineering, and business courses.  Hemingway did not write so that we could compare him with Faulkner, yet we learn how to find the points of similarity and contrast that serve to illuminate the works of both.  The real problems are much more like what you find in Hemingway and Faulkner that what you find in a marketing text."--Financial analyst in high technology.

"You'll learn anything else you need to know in your first year on the job."--Associate editor, trade magazine.

"Clearly, beyond the classroom no one cares in the least whether or not you can remember the names of Lear's daughters.  But when you encounter Regan and her sisters across the conference table from you, you should be able to recognize them, distinguish between them, and know how to deal with each of them and with their daddy in the big chair at the head of the table.  Let the engineers worry about understanding the behavior of tungsten steel alloys under stress conditions.  It is the person who understands the behavior of engineers under stress conditions who will make a good manager.  The ability to deal with people is the key to success in any field.  My education as an English major has provided me with advice on the subject from some of the most perceptive people who ever lived."--Technical marketing representative, engineering corporation.

"Having majored in English helps, but I'd sure as hell rather have a rich uncle in the business."-- TV script writer.

Lastly, Beidler asked if there were anything that students wish they had been told but weren't while in school.  He received many answers, but found this one must compelling.  I reprint it here, along with Beidler's response.

"'Hi.  My name is Sophia Loren [late 1990's think Tyra Banks or Pamela Anderson Lee], and I think you're terribly sexy, intelligent, and sensitive, and I want to have your baby.'--  Minister and director of publications, theological school.

Being able to write comments like that last one, of course, is the best answer for the question of what you do with an English major."

This article was summarized by former dishwasher, court clerk, baseball umpire, accounting major, telemarketer, telemarketing manager, dry cleaner lackey, phone book deliverer, and PRCC English Instructor Greg Underwood, who will be more than happy to tell you how English helped him in each position.